It's understandable that you would want to confront the woman that your husband cheated with. You likely want for her to know that this deception is over and that you know everything. She needs to know that she will no longer have free reign with your husband. You likely also have the need to put your presence and your existence into her consciousness. You want for her to know that you are a real person with a real life and a real family that she has very negatively and selfishly affected.
It's also likely that you know who she is. It's very common for the wife to know the mistress – or at least to be familiar with who she is. Men commonly cheat with coworkers, neighbors, and mutual friends, so your situation is likely one where this woman is not a stranger to you. (And even if she is, you likely still very much want to have your say.)
I'm often asked what is the best way to tell this woman that you know about the affair. Most women intuitively know that this is a situation that can potentially go very very badly. Many women feel very strongly that they need to do this, but somewhere deep in their hearts, they know that doing so can be potentially hurtful. Many are afraid that, should a meeting or confrontation take place, that it's quite possible that the other woman is going to tell you something that you don't or didn't know — something that is going to hurt and surprise you even more, something that is going to make you even more furious at your husband, and something that is going to make you feel even worse about your situation.
So, in the following article, I will discuss the least hurtful way to say what you need to say to this woman to get the closure that you need, while preserving your own mental health and well being in the process.
Releasing What You Need To Say To The Woman Who Had An Affair With Your Husband: There are likely many reasons that you want to tell this woman that you know all about her.
But, if you do it incorrectly, sometimes, it just makes things feel worse. I can not tell you how many woman I hear from who tell me that they wish they had never ever laid eyes on this woman or allowed her even a second of their attention. Often, the meeting hurts rather than heals you and makes you think about this person more rather than less.
It's very important that you do not allow this to happen. It is hard enough to get over and heal from an affair without allowing this person to have a prominent place in your home, in your mind, and in your doubts, You have to be very protective of yourself right now. I agree that you need to release these feelings and "have your say." But, you and you alone are in control of how this happens.
Personally, I think that the safest way to go about this is to write her a letter. This way, you have absolute control of how this is going to go. She can't interrupt you this way or blurt out something hurtful, spiteful or inappropriate. She can't turn this back onto you. So, you have much less of a chance of being hurt if you write a letter.
Writing A Letter To Your Husband's Mistress: You have to be careful here though. You want for her to know how you feel and what she's done, but you don't want to insinuate that you can't handle yourself, your husband, or your marriage. You don't want to paint yourself as a victim or try to elicit her sympathy. You can take care of yourself and you really don't need her pity.
What you need for her to know is this. You know what she did. You are very well onto her. And, she needs to stop this behavior and move on to someone else rather than your husband. You don't want to make threats or to wonder onto other issues. You simply want for her to know that this deception is up and that she has no place in your life because she is not welcome.
If you say any more than this, you might invite her or inspire her to linger and to attempt to prove you wrong. You really do not want to engage with her, give you a place into your life, or let her hang on for longer than necessary. You want for this to be your last word on this – once and for all.
Honestly, I've had women tell me that once they wrote the letter, they felt the release that they were after and so they chose not to send the letter. They burned it instead. They were just wanting the release and they didn't want to give this woman any way back into their lives.
Confronting The Woman That Your Husband Had An Affair With Face To Face: I think that this is a pretty bad idea for many. Sometimes women don't like the letter idea. I've had people ask me if emails were a decent way to go about this. I suppose that this can be preferable than a face to face meeting for some. But, the problem with this is that now you've given her a way to contact you.
What if she keeps sending you nasty or nagging emails? Now, you'll have more trouble getting rid of her and getting her out of your mind and your life. If you must go the email route, get yourself a one time only email address at a place that is not your home. (A public library can work well for this.) Send the email and then never look back. Never go back to that account. Never allow her back into your life or into your mind. Again, keep the email to the points you want to make and say no more.
Many women really feel that they want to look this person in the eye. I do understand this, but so much can go wrong here. If you absolutely must do this, I suggest taking a calming friend who will stay in the car, but who will be there to intervene if things start to go wrong. If voices are raised or things get out of hand, the friend can offer a reasonable voice and can stop the situation when you are not emotionally able to do it. (Never ever put yourself in a dangerous situation – either physically or emotionally.)
Have what you need to say mostly memorized. Say your peace and then turn around and leave. Don't allow her to engage your or to prolong this. If she tries to interrupt, tell her to hear you out and then you will listen to her (she doesn't need to know that you have no intention of hanging around.) However, most women will not stand there and take a verbal lashing from someone they have hurt.
For self preservation, she has had to depersonalize you. So, show her that you are self respecting and real and that her actions have affected you, which will now stop. But, don't allow this to give her more power over you than they already have. You are in control now. Not her.
I know that this is probably one of many difficult issues right now. Take it one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/